An Inconsolable Tale of My Purpose

Hello reader, person, mission seeker, or whatever it may be that you self-proclaim. This are just ramblings from the reservoir of my conscious thoughts. Some caveats being that you may not enjoy what you may read or attain much insight from what you may read. Now that you’ve read this far, I’m sure that you’re determined to continue to read despite my efforts to dissuade you.

On Identity

I have an identity for which I know nothing of. My perception of myself and other’s perception of me are entities which are misconstrued. Laying down my philosophies, I don’t follow a religion for I revolve around my self-instated axioms. I don’t confine myself to eternalism or any of the sorts. In relative moments of despair, I tend to lean towards the the pessimistic stance of nihilism. My leaking sanity and draining conscious reservoir adopts the ideas of humanity’s materialistic tendencies. My life’s purpose doesn’t follow patterns of a mission or sync to the assumptions of existentialism.

On Childhood

Going down the shrewed rabbit-hole of my life, one will find the list of “unfortunate” happenings, I suppose. Beauty was certainly no figment of my childhood. My ignorance prohibited me from rationalizing the intrinsic subjugation of my oppressors. I was sent to explore the land of Philadelphia from age 6 to age 10. For Ignorance was my ageless friend, I had nothing but him to protect my innocence. Without him, I would have been wondering through the convulsively vast unbearable desert. I know my burden of being an explorer of the ever devouring lands. Certainly, my givers will not take of my bruisings very fondly for Ignorance was too their friend. The beauty of my childhood projects as reminisce of my present entity. The present entity that sees no purpose in living a mission but lives it away, consuming space and time, as if purposelessness was worth all the things that worth can be assigned to.

On Self-Approval

In search of self-approval, I made this blog. It cures my sanity of the malicious crippling demons that live in the depths of my mind. However temporary, I write these entries to try to convey myself that these non-existent fiends will disappear. These efforts only serve so little to the whole of my satisfaction.

On Friendship

My friendships pertain to none of the aspects that I would find friends to be special. Seeking the aspect that one would call a true friend, I found none. That aspect being “timelessness.” Despite knowing these entities for an extended amount of time, I’ll call myself their “friend” yet I’ll feel like I’m still a stranger, a foreigner immerse into a new culture being encapsulated in confusion. I feel distant, apart, isolated, and alienated. I’ve always felt this way. Maybe it was the product of being indoctrinated into adopting the ideas of crooked humanity or maybe it was just the normal affair of day-to-day life that adults have figured it out and I just haven’t gotten that far yet.

On Adoption of Self-Quest

I don’t adopt the idea of my life being that of a video game. Not because there is no restart button–and there’s not–but because I simply don’t have a quest for myself to complete. I guess there’s sandbox video games where one seeks to walk the path of their own journey. I don’t feel that way either. I feel puzzled and confused but I guess that’s the normal state of affairs when it comes to reality.

On Weird Tendencies

I would like to admit to my autistic tendencies of randomly blurting inaudible phrases at times of ennui. I do this partly to keep myself pre-occupied with whatever it is that is going on but it eventually turned into something that I did to garner reactions from others. I haven’t figured out why I randomly tend to touch people without their consent yet. If I had to throw out a guess, it would land in the place of “I’m really bored so I’m just gonna bother you.”

On Eclectic Interests

Everything on search engines can be classified into a broad category of “data,” a sea of unfiltered information left for the user to decipher for ones own. I have found solace finding niche projects that others have contributed to. From generative art to making rubber band airplanes, I have found and conquered my so called “niche corner” of the vast inter-webs. Here I share my eccentricities with myself for lurkers to read and slowly judge me :D.